Balance in the Midst of Needs.

So, many of my friends realize I am a nurse. Some know that I am both a Critical Coronary Care nurse and a nursing educator. Most would say that is consistent with my basic personality needs of loyal service and dutiful preservation of tradition.

It is almost a compulsion to do things in a way that makes people feel good about themselves and even the act of service. I need that...it is like air. And service generally involves other people. Seems simplistic but that is the rub.

You see, what people don't understand is how hard it is for me to be with most people outside of a service setting. I LOVE being with some people. Those are the ones who I believe I can trust and with whom I do not feel pressured. Or those people who need my service. I just can't be with too many for too long. The older I get the more this intensifies.

At work, it means that I prefer smaller groups of students but will accept large assignments because they are important to our goals. It means that when I teach I often go to my office alone at lunch or stay late to decompress and recharge. It means I often pay a price to balance my duty needs with my spirit needs. Most of the time I go with what is best for duty and find a way to repay the price into my spirit bank. Usually that involves Les or intimate friends.

Socially, it means that I wish we could hold SCA events that allow me to have people reduced zones of time intersperced with opportunities to be of service. Ymir was like that. The best part of the weekend was that I had a limited focus service (walls, troll and walkabout) intersperced with friend time (walking with Eadan, sitting with the gang behind the tent, leisurely walking with Isabel and chit chatting with Nia). Too many events are not that way. I worry about Pennsic.

It is hard for people to understand that because I will make the active choice to do people things does not make me extroverted. I often do them because of another over-riding need that must take precedence even at price. To serve, nurture and care must be primary. To recharge is secondary.

When I am not consistently "on" it is confusing and often hurtful for people. They find me exacting and intimidating if I am not careful in what I am giving off. So I have to be vigilantly perceptive of their needs so as not to be hurtful. To not do so goes against my core. My friends say, "No you don't!" But for me...

...the price is worth it.

...I have love enough to work through the pain to give that gift.

...I have hope enough to believe they will learn to look past their expectation of me to see me.

...I have faith that I will be given strength to still try.

...I am optimistic enough to hope tomorrow is an easier day...