So when I asked Nikulai about gay culture it was not to gain an understanding of any particular mechanics of gay sexuality. I "get" that. Instead, it was in part a way to explore an important aspect of a respected friend. When folks ask me questions, it helps me clarify my position, my beliefs.

I told him that it was a challenge sometimes to walk the line of expectation of friends in a minority group...on the one hand there is the hope for acceptance, "We are people just like you" but on the other hand there is the need to express the difference which often ends with "You won't get it, cause you've never been ____."

I told him it was like relating from my experience (WASP with the S standing for Southern) to my friends who are black. I can indeed accept you are like me beyond our skin and no, I will never be black. But I can certainly "get it" more than you may credit. I had a dear friend, Yvonne in my post graduation-premarriage days with whom I developed a close relationship. I could ask her anything and yet sometimes we would get to the spot where I would just have to say, "Is this an ethnic thing?"

I too, have been reflecting on the conversation with Nikulai.

The only comparison I can draw in my life is that in our circle, we are a minority. We are one of the few couples who chose to have children. In many ways, I am just like those who did not but to be a mother is so integral to me that I cannot fully express it. Even more challenging is when someone believes they understand but I cannot articulate where there is difference. I know I feel a kinship with those who have felt the same glory and frustration as parents. I watched Gyrth and Mel when Michael received his Dolphin and I believe I understood on a different level some of the many layers of that moment.

I know I find it dismissive sometimes when folks nod and say they understand some aspect of my life as a parent. I react strongly to someone minimizing this lifelong attachment or God forbid, threatening it. It is a bit strange to have folks "forget" we are parents. Still, my option is to move rapidly beyond that or to give up relationships with those who do not practice our choice to rear a family. I gently remind them when I need to and I am sure they are exposed to young people a bit more than they are used to. Hopefully, we are both richer by the experience.

No, I will never be male, gay, black, hispanic, from the North or Midwest or West Coast. But I am richer in empathy and compassion from having known folks who are. And in my most challenging moments, I learn who I am.